'Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the garden of Eden
'but it's been a good home to us - me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids who l'm proud of,
'cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.'
- Run! Run for it! - Leg it!
'Fiona, who's a massive help,
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip now,
'lan, a lot like his mam,
'which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air,
'and Carl - we daren't let him grow his hair
'cos it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah and nits love it.
'Debbie - sent by God. Total angel.
'You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
'Plus Liam - gonna be a star once we've got the fits under control.
'Steve, Fiona's boyfriend.
'The truth is out there... Not!
'Fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica. Lend you anything. Well, not anything.
'But all of them to a man know, first and foremost,
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party!
'Scatter!'
(Veronica) 'After three years of having the Gallaghers as neighbours,
'l can honestly say it's been an education.
'l used to think we were rough till they moved in. Made us feel like Charles and Camilla!
'l've never gloated about being quieter, better off and a lot more stable.
'Which l'm regretting now cos l might never get the chance.
'You tell me how a family that size with no visible income
'ends up with a nearly-new 4x4, a knock-through house with new fittings
'and more nights out than Georgie fucking Best?!
'Most days l wake up feeling happy for 'em.
'Others, l wish Thatcher was still alive, mentally, 'to put 'em in their place.
'No, l don't mean that. Well, l do a bit. l do actually.
'A little bit, icky little bit. Ah, fuck it, yeah!'
Hey. l'm not late, am l?
No, l got an earlier bus.
Fancied a look round before we went in.
PRlEST GRUNTS
So, Father Polish, what are the origins of that name?
Polish.
When we you last in church, Fiona?
Sunday.
Yes, but which?
1 994.
- And you're not even a Catholic? - No.
Look, does it matter?
A great deal. You'd have to convert.
- Well, that's fine, done. - After lessons.
Ten weeks of instruction every Thursday evening with me.
l expect to see you both make a visible commitment to the church.
One mass a week for three months.
- l was hoping for a spring wedding. - Have a spring wedding next year.
Look...the very least l'd want to know
is that you're not just marrying here
because you think a civil ceremony is a cheap and vulgar option for your big day.
What if l could get the whole family to come for the next three Sundays?
- Would that give us any leeway? - lt'd make me smile.
But only if you left your father at home. A spate of thefts in '97.
Basically, you're saying it's out of the question
that we get married here in less than three months.
lt's a dwindling parish.
The basic rules are all we have
to bind the very poor community together.
£500 now, five on the day.
l can't believe he stung you for a grand.
Plus, when you nipped to the loo, it was 200 for the flower displays,
1 00 for the organist and 50 for someone to watch the cars during the service.
lt's ridiculous!
l can't remember where l parked the car now.
You were parked there.
Who's took my car?!
Who the fuck has taken my car!?
Stop it or we'll both get battered!
We won't get a taxi out here. When was the last time you got the bus?
(Priest) Bye, Fiona.
- See ya, Father. - God bless.
We don't do refunds.
Get off, you fucking little rat!
Off! Get off!
Bastard!
DOG BARKS Ah, fuck! Oh, fuck!
What's the point of built-in wardrobes
if what's in 'em makes her look like Nannette Newman?
Come here, you little shit. You're dead!
Dead dog!
lt's nicked me undies again! Bitten me again!
He hasn't nicked 'em!
He's sticking them in the wash cos he doesn't like the smell of rotting gusset.
- And l wear what? - Clean garments.
Pepe, show him where. Show!
WOLF WHlSTLE
DOG WHlNES
BARKS
Dead dog!
Fur ball!
You're joking, aren't you? From outside a church?
Julie Carter had her wedding car nicked during the actual ceremony.
- But that weren't nicked in the first place! - Oi! Gimme that.
Answer the door and keep your mouth shut.
Watch your mouth.
Tony!
Sorry l'm late, l had to do a bit of overtime.
Now you know how it feels to lose a valuable motor, Steve.
- Make you think twice about your career path? - l wanna know who took it and who's got it.
- lf it was that simple, l'd be an inspector. - Two grand cash if you can track it.
l'll put the feelers out.
l left something of sentimental value in there.
l see.
SHOUTlNG
So, when's the wedding set for?
Last Saturday of the month.
- Congratulations. - Yeah(!)
- lf l find it, do you want 'em arrested? - No.
Not before you talk to me.
l know, my darling, l know.
- She keeps talking to herself. - Well, it saves us a job.
lt's the dog. She thinks the fucking dog's talking to her!
- You're not cheering me up. - But it is!
lt talks to me an' all.
lf it doesn't like what you're doing, it gets on your case.
lt's on at me all the time, taking the piss!
DOG WHlNES
MUSlC: Release Me by Tom Jones
l know. Tom Jones was too much of a show-off to be a soul searcher.
(Singing to jukebox) For l don't love you any more...
Aye, get down, Shep!
One of the finest songs ever written in the English language,
apart from Sultans Of Swing and Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep.
Pint of bitter and a couple of Es for the dog, Kev.
Where's your momma gone? Where's your momma gone?
Used to sing that to the kids when Monica fucked off.
Never a dry eye in the 'ouse.
Shot upstairs howling, they all did.
What?
Here we go, men in black, hard as nails. The future of our nation.
- You got me house keys? - A couple of gills for the lads.
- You 1 8? - (Both) Yeah.
- Veronica, is your mum OK? - Fuck off!
Yeah. She's happy. HE BARKS
- Fucking hell! Sorry l asked. -Whoa! Do that again.
Eh?
That...thing with your face, what you just said to Lip.
l just said, ''Sorry l asked.''
How gay is that?
No, it's not!
- lt was a bit. - Gay.
You're not gay, are you?
No.
- Oh, Jesus, he is. He's gay! Fuck me! - You don't know what you're talking about.
lf l'd said that to anybody else, they'd have planted me one.
l'm having a flashback to John lnman. Fuck's sake!
GLASS SMASHES
- Fuck! - Get up, Frank!
Now you're talking!
Thank Christ for that. Come here!
Growing up, eh?
Can't you tell when they're growing up?
Yeah. They're barred!
What's the matter? You got away with it.
l didn't. You can tell he knows.
Come on.
We'll go and see Mandy Maguire.
All right, John?
All right, mate.
Are you right in the fuckin' 'ead?
- Why've you nicked his car? - l'm sick of him getting his own way.
- Because she's marrying him? - Yeah, plus other stuff.
lt was a joke at first cos he thinks l'm not capable.
Now that you've joined the club, congratulations(!)
Put it back and count me out. l know nothing about this.
Stan.
How much is that?
1 50 odd grand. lt was in the roof compartment.
You reckon Steve earns this much nicking motors?
Depends how good he is at saving.
Coke?
He's dealing.
Give over! l've seen more gear shifted in the Jockey of a weekend!
Fuck me!
MUSlC: Spice Up You Life by the Spice Girls
Lilian, are you sure you can get the dresses ready for Saturday?
l knew l should've had a wee.
What is it?
- Pepe's waistcoat, for the wedding. - Ah! lt's beautiful.
But the only hat we've found he's not thrilled about - makes him look like a chimp.
Mum, it's a church. Fiona won't want a dog yapping.
He won't yap. He doesn't yap.
- He's not invited. - ''Carol and guest.''
Meaning Marty. His says the same, meaning you.
lf l had a husband, he'd be ignored.
Your husband's dead and Pepe is a dog.
She's cheaper than a husband if it's catering we're talking about.
And a bit more talkative, which, you know Veronica, l'm very grateful for.
l'm getting worried about you. l want you to see a doctor.
What the hell for?
You're sounding confused.
Am l?
No more than normal.
Pepe can come. Course he can come.
The waistcoat looks fab.
- See? Thank you, Fiona. - You're not helping!
SHE MOUTHS
l want you to get checked out. There's medication that can help
and the sooner they start it, the better it works.
- For what? - For what grandma had.
Colostomy?
Confusion!
Look, l know you miss your Malcolm, but you've got to face facts.
A dog is not going to make up for the loss of a lifelong friend.
Who's Malcolm?
Your dead husband! My dead dad!
You don't have to shout! l know who that Malcolm is!
You didn't until l fucking told you, did ya?!
Groom and boys next. Come on!
Who exports drugs from round here? Nobody exports from Britain.
We're the only mugs daft enough to pay these prices. Same with flat-screen tellies.
How come l find a ferry ticket from Bilbao in the glove compartment?
lt's more Tintin than Rin Tin Tin. This is for a different vehicle, you mong!
lt's the same model.
Apart from different colour and registration,
these cars could be twins.
He rings cars for a living.
Changing the colour and registration is what Steve does for a living.
- This car's been abroad. Why? - So's mine.
l'm not talking about a car park in Wrexham.
Steve's car came into Britain from Spain. What's that say?
Timeshare.
MUSlC: Put Him Out by Ms Dynamite
Let's have it. Come on. Get on that beat.
Sorry, Lillian, love. Sorry, Lillian.
Lillian.
OK, go for it.
THEY LAUGH
l don't know why l'm laughing. l'm having a flashback to Strangeways.
(All) Ooh!
Only here for the first time, Frank.
Our Fiona...
was...was my first-born.
lt's a happy day
and a sad day for us all to see her marrying Steve.
(All) Steve-o!
..Starting a brand new life. She's guided all of us through difficult times.
For the family she has been a total godsend and we couldn't have managed without her.
That's what you said.
We can all say from the bottom of our hearts
that she is really the other half... of all of us.
That's... Honestly, that's... Fucking hell, l'm welling up here.
Thieving bastard! He nicked that out of my bag!
(Frank) He was a poet and he knew it.
- You said you didn't want to give her away. - l've changed my mind now.
lf you keep that up, the least l'll want is a blow job.
Any more of that talk l'll pin your whatsit to your knackers!
CHEERlNG
- Where were you before we picked you up? - At Eden Club.
Eden Club? That'll be the Eden club in town, will it?
(ls she getting ready? Let me look.)
(All) Oh!
lt's beautiful!
Give us a go.
l'm so nervous!
Eh up. Are you ready?
THEY LAUGH
You look beautiful.
- You do. - Oh, my God!
(Priest) Exchanging of the vows.
Thank you, Veronica.
You will lead the wedding procession.
Slowly on the day, Fiona.
Philip, this is where you hand over Fiona to Steve - let go of her arm.
All right. Now?!
''l'll greet the bride and bridegroom
''in a friendly manner, showing that the Church shares their joy.''
(Priest) Kevin, give the ring to Steve.
Repeat after me.
- l, Steve McBride... - l, Steve McBride...
- Do take thee... - Do take thee, Fiona Gallagher...
- To be my lawful wedded wife... - To be my lawful wedded wife...
To have and to hold...
To have and...
MOBlLE RlNGS Excuse me. Sorry about this.
Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
Two secs.
l have to shoot off.
- Steve! - lt'll be fine.
l just had to get it through my head.
Kev, can l borrow you for two secs? Quicker than that, mate.
Steve!
- Kev! - l'm best man, aren't l?
Steve!
TYRES SCREECH
ls it?
Where did you find it?
Wide boys showing off on the M60.
No damage apart from the ignition.
How good do you feel, eh?!
These are on me.
Not for me, Kev, not if l'm driving and... l am now.
Listen. l'll sort you out with the, you know, tomorrow.
Nah, forget about it, Steve.
l'm just glad to be of some use.
We can be. Sometimes.
All right. See you later.
Kev, thanks for the lift.
Has Jensen Button turned his nose up at that? Let this blind lady through.
Who the fuck are you calling blind?
Sorry.
Fuck you dressed like that for?
- Don't start with me, Frank. - She started it.
She started it! They should put a sign up about nice behaviour.
lt's a Government thing now. You've got to be caring...
CHEERlNG Look at that!
Oh, smell that!
This is fantastic, Yvonne.
Are you sure you can cater for 50-odd people by this weekend?
- You should see when l've got t'family round. - She lives for the challenge.
- Did you teach her how to cook like this? - Yeah(!) lt's all tins with him.
The microwave pings that often, the kids think it's the fire alarm.
Do you like it? See, even for kids.
l'll tone it down so there's something for everyone.
Give me a curry instead of a scabby prawn cocktail any day.
Too spicy for me. Never used to be.
End of another era.
Pilau rice, samosas, bhajis... You name it, l've got it.
- Why? - Why d'you think?
Three-day mystery cruise round the Bay of Biscay.
- How's that a mystery? - Agatha Christie murder mystery tour!
Argh, Marty!
l'm going on a cruise!
- Sorry. Come at a bad time? - What's up?
- Where did you get the money? - Money Dad left me.
We're off upstairs.
(Carol) That money is meant for you.
But if you're happy, so am l.
Bit of homework.
l'll be shutting the door, we need peace and quiet.
l'm just reading it.
< Fuck off!
Have it then!
Talk about jealous!
As long as you know l'm only doing this for lan.
Same here.
l hope he's grateful cos...
Wow!
Don't wow, it's not for you.
No problem.
Wow!
Stick a bonnet on that it'd look like a microphone.
Whatever.
You sing, l'll dance.
The batteries are going on this.
Fuck off!
- Fiona know you're dealing? - l don't know what you're talking about.
Do you think l'm taping this, like l want to hear this more than once?
Get real.
Tony, the stuff you've got is not mine.
Looking after it for a mate(?)
No, just somebody l know.
Mind if l sit down?
Been away recently?
No.
Spain?
No.
Chassis number from that car matches a jeep that came via Spain.
Different reg plate, and colour, obviously.
ls that where all your cars are coming from?
Just the occasional one.
How occasional?
Two...three a year. Three.
How did you get to be involved in a racket like this? Bloody drugs.
lt's an occasional thing to pay off an old debt.
l don't wanna do it, but l have to pay this off.
The car owners never know the cargo they're carrying.
l get told which car to target. l pick it up, l ring it and then my...
mates come and pick up their cargo.
l get a small wage and l move the car off on my own.
Name a price, give me the stuff and have done with this.
You think l want a slice of some of this?! Drug money?
What else are we here for?
Am l right in guessing that Fiona doesn't know?
So, nothing about the money that she'll be spending as a wife of Steve McBride?
Nothing about the life she's letting herself in for?
You don't have a fucking clue. l'm dead if l don't get the gear where it belongs by Wednesday!
Precisely! You're not dealing with cowboys.
Debts like these go on for ever, don't they, Steve?
Fine.
How safe's Fiona?
lf l hadn't nicked that car to wind you up, how safe would she be now?
Ever do anything to harm her,
l want you to know, Steve, l'll make you regret it for the rest of your life.
- l've never been caught, Tony. - l caught you!
- Promise me now you'll put a stop to it. - l'm trying.
Promise, or you're getting fuck all.
Please...
l need it by Wednesday.
- What? - Upstairs.
What you and Mandy Maguire get up to in private is your own business.
l'm glad you're sensible enough to use protection, lan.
But if you ever leave your bed in this state thinking l'm gonna clear it up,
you've another bloody thing coming!
Shift that condom and give Mandy Maguire her knickers back!
- What's he done now? - Mind your own business!
Eugh, state of that bed, you scummy git!
- Sorry, Fiona. - You'd better be.
l'm not getting married so l can baby-sit you lot for the rest of my life.
Strip that bed and stick it on a boil wash!
- But you shift your leftovers. - On your bike!
Plus, Mandy Maguire slipped me a note at school. She wants a rematch.
- Be careful, though. - Never not.
No, l mean you can't get caught if l'm not there. Eugh.
- He wants to watch! - No, l'm saying...
- You dirty little deviant! - Yeah, right.
Cheesy little homo wants to see how the carnivores do it!
Eurgh!
THEY LAUGH
- What is it? - l don't know, but thank God we killed it.
-Come on, Mam! - Come on, Carol. Foot on the gas!
Easier said than done in this!
GASPS AND WHlSTLES
Oh! Wish l was coming now.
- An Agatha Christie honeymoon, what would l wear?
An axe in the back.
- Bye! See ya! - See you, Carol.
See you Saturday, it's the wedding!
(All) See ya! Bye!
Say goodbye to mummy. Wave goodbye. Bye-bye, mummy.
PEPE WHlMPERS
Come on.
Come on, Pepe, come on.
Come on, that's it. Come on.
Hey. Come on.
Who's a good boy? Lamb!
Come on. That's it. Good boy. Slaughter! Come on.
Come to Marty. Look what Marty's got for you.
Are you ready? Go on. Are you ready? Go on. Yeah.
Sweet dreams! HE LAUGHS
- l'd recommend Barbados for a honeymoon. - Oh, yeah? Where did you stay?
We haven't been, l just recommend it.
ln that case, l recommend Palestine.
l don't mean Palestine, do l? Where did Beverly go when she won the lottery?
- Dubai. - Dubai!
(Marty) What?
(Veronica) Where you off?
- Just to a mate's. - Oh?
Requiem!
- He looks a bit lost without your mum. - Not lost enough.
- Has he got any mates? - No. Anyway...
Dubai. Loved it. Said it were like Blackpool with money.
Came back like a beetroot with a bloke who made watches.
THEY LAUGH
lt's just not something we can do to a healthy dog.
lt goes against everything that we...
l wouldn't mind, but when he bites, it's never that deep.
The most he's ever given anyone is seven stitches.
But it's the noise. Noise. HE BARKS
There's been two attempts on his life by the neighbours.
l presume the police have intervened.
With a court order?
PEPE WHlMPERS
Yep.
OK.
OK. Get Mr Fisher a cup of tea.
PEPE WHlMPERS
Would you like to stay for the procedure?
(You don't have to.)
Yes, please.
HORN BLARES
- How are you doing? Where's Tonto? - Tonsillitis. 42 and tonsillitis.
You wouldn't even tell anybody, would you?
Tonto made it up to avoid getting in the car with this dick dressed like Dracula.
Eh! What's wrong with it?
- You'd buy one of these, wouldn't you, Steve? - Yeah, maybe one that fitted me better.
- Nice one. - All right, here we go.
- Good work. - Cheers.
TYRES SCREECH
- Armed police, nobody move! - Not an inch or you're dead!
Face down on the ground, all of you!
- Face down or tits up, it's your call. - Get down!
All right, all right!
Hands on your head where l can see them.
Armed with what?
One crack of this will break your arm, pal.
- Come on, l'm warning you. - Yeah? Paper, rock, scissors!
Woah!
- Fucking hell! Calm down, everybody! - Get back!
- Calm down, mate. lt's cool. - Easy. Where's that come from?
lnsurance.
(Answerphone) 'Hi, this is Steve. l'm probably away from my desk...'
- Are we off? - Steve's not back yet.
Goody-goody, rum-rum.
- Does he know the taxi's booked for eight? - Yeah, he booked it.
This is the kind of life you think Fiona deserves, eh, Steve?
You know him!?
- We could just walk out. We've seen nothing. - Like fuck you can!
Put the gun down, this is just silly. lt's fucking stupid.
- For fuck's sake, Steve! - Tell him to put the gun down, this is stupid.
< How do you know him?
- He's an undercover. - Don't talk rubbish, mate!
We've been nothing but mates to you. We haven't shit on you once.
l did not know they were going to be here. Tony, tell them.
Seeing as they are, think you're walking out of here with the money and the gear?
(Steve) We can sort this out, mate.
l'll wait for you outside.
What am l supposed to do?!
Steve won't mind you taking his car. He won't be needing it.
Mack! We can sort this out between us.
Come on, mate, just put the gun down.
Ollie, don't you fucking do this!
CAR ENGlNE STARTS
Put the gun down!
GUNSHOT
TYRES SCREECH
Jesus Christ! Oh Jesus! Oh...
You'd better disappear!
- You're a fucking lunatic! - Yeah, none of this is your fault(!)
lt's not my fucking fault!
Do you know what's gonna happen, Tony?! They're going to think l set them up!
They're gonna come after me and kill me.
They're going to kill me, Tony.
(Hail Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners. Hail Mary...)
Call for help.
Mayday. Mayday!
This is PC Stan Baltimore.
Mayday!
Requiring urgent assistance
to the March Road industrial estate.
(Echoing) Say again - Mayday, Mayday!
This is PC Stan Baltimore
requiring urgent assistance to the March Road industrial estate...
Repeat - urgent assistance...
Just get here, OK?
Vanish. Go on.
- Where? - Here.
KEYS JANGLE
Go on.
TYRES SCREECH
DOG TRlES TO BARK
Money well spent!
(Kev) No show?
(Veronica) Have you tried Steve's other house?
No, Veronica, the thought never occurred to me(!)
His tenants haven't seen him since Friday.
DOG TRlES TO BARK
- What's wrong with the dog? -He just wants letting out!
Yeah, but what's wrong with the dog?
l'm going to bed.
Tell him he'd better sleep down here when he turns up!
HE BARKS
DOG TRlES TO BARK
HE BARKS
He's poorly. How long's he been like this?
- Just lost his voice. - A dog can't lose its voice, Marty.
He can if you pay enough...
HE BARKS
You knew exactly what you were doing.
You set me up as a grass.
So that l have no option but to trust someone like you.
- l was trying to help. - How was that helping?
Fiona's best interests...
Fuck off! One guy is dead, Tony.
The other's going to come screaming down the M62 with his mates
- and take my FUCKlNG head off! - You're safe.
Ollie got lifted before he made it back to Liverpool.
Hard as nails until he realised it was a murder inquiry.
Now he's singing like a choirboy.
Naming all his mates for a plea bargain.
The drug squad are rounding them all up.
So l'm safe?
That's your debt cleared.
He thinks l set him up, Tony.
How's he not gonna name me?
They've issued a warrant for your arrest... at your old address.
They want us keeping our eyes peeled for him.
You brainless cunt.
You've got me and Stan as witnesses.
We'll say you were nowhere near the incident.
That's just fine, isn't it?
- What about the coke? - What?
Where's the coke?
That's Bibby's coke. You said so.
That's evidence for the drug squad. Without that, we'd never get a conviction.
Thanks to you, my prints are all over those bags.
Aren't they?
Unless you took time to clean every single last one of them...
just for my benefit.
Oh! Thank God!
Hey, what's this?
lt's just a favour from Tony. l...
The police are after me.
Everyone is.
- What have you done? - l can't stay here.
l've really messed this up, Fiona!
Put your coat on.
You all right, Kev?
Yeah, you look after your sister, right?
We'll drop you at the services.
lt's a white Renault minibus - ex-taxi.
Where from, though?
Brother-in-law. Five-and-a-half grand. No time to beat him down.
l can't believe l'm seeing this. Ring me when you get...wherever.
- Promise. - Oh, God.
We need to shift it, or someone will wonder what we're doing here.
Everyone, coats on!
Thank you, mate. All right?
(Lip) What are you doing?
Nothing.
Not this.
Look, l wouldn't know what to do anywhere else.
lan, l know this is all my fault, but l'm really trying.
l'm not blaming anybody.
l'm just not going.
But you can't stay here on your own.
l'm here. HE BARKS
Come on, we can't hang about.
Lip!
We'll be fine.
Lip, Lip, please. lan, come on!
Nobody is saying this is forever,
this is all my fuck up and l am truly, truly sorry, but...
Debbie, Debbie...
Come on, please! Just get in the van!
Just get in the van.
None of them know how to cook.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Oh!
FlONA SOBS
Oh, God.
Fiona!
Fiona, l can't stay!
l can't stay!
For God's sake, listen to me - it's not my fault!
Well, who's fault is it, eh?
lt's not theirs! lt's not mine!
You stupid fucking idiot!
Why do you need so much money?
Why does anybody need so much money?
l'm still going.
What?
FlONA SOBS
(l love you.)
Fuck it!
(Kev) Hey, come on. His loss.
Come inside, sweetheart.
Your son is charged with aggravated burglary...
lt wasn't me!
..and resisting arrest.
He's saying nothing until he sees a lawyer.
You took lan and Carl on a burglary?
l go out for ten minutes, and the house goes fucking ape!
Marty!
Best present anybody's ever bought me! l swear to God!
Pepe!
Ow!